For anyone that has been following along since the very beginning you may remember that I said writing can be like therapy. Well, this would be where I would lie on the couch and let it all out.
Today is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 64 years old. A couple of weeks ago I was wondering what I was going to get him. He was hard to shop for. I often went to the old faithful, Mark's Work Wearhouse gift card. Not always, but often. You'd think he would get bored of that same old gift, but I swear, he would open the card, put on a huge smile and say "great, just what I needed" and he seemed to genuinely mean it. This past Father's Day that is what he got, yet again. He arrived the next week with two shirts in hand and said "which one do you want to buy me"? with the biggest grin. I couldn't choose. So he said he would pick, but I can't remember which one he picked. And you know that shouldn't be a big deal, but when we went to his apartment to start the difficult task of cleaning it out, I saw those shirts, hanging ever so neatly in his closet. It killed me that I couldn't remember which one he picked.
I still can't believe it's real.
I go over and over in my mind the last time I saw him, he looked so great. I mean really great. I even told him so. I gave him a hug with an extra squeeze. I never do that. But I did this time. God, the things you hang onto when you lose someone.
I gave him an extra squeeze.
Did he know what that meant? Did he know that it meant I had forgiven him for not always being there when I needed a Dad? Did he know that it meant that I could see the great effort he had put into being my father over the past several years? Did he know that when he looked at my children with such pure love that it completely cleared my heart of any bitterness? I hope so. I really hope so.
It's hard to describe the feeling of such a loss. Just knowing that there was someone on this earth that loved you unconditionally, that loved your children the same. Someone that you knew had your back, always. And now they're gone from this earth, so suddenly. It will change who I am. I know this for sure.
Luckily I have faith in something else after this life. I believe in Heaven, I honestly do.
After my Mom passed away in 2006, my sister and I were cleaning out her apartment. We were putting several old papers into a bag when the poem "Safely Home" fell and landed on the floor. If you don't know it google it, it is beautiful. And I was convinced, and still am, that that was my mother at work letting us know that she was ok. It was so comforting.
Well, it has happened again.
As I was cleaning out Dad's papers the other day, I found this poem. It was on the back of a pamphlet from the East Prince Palliative Care Memorial Service which he must have attended to remember my Uncle Robert who passed away almost 3 years ago. This pamphlet could have easily been missed , but of course Dad made sure I found it. It is called "Letter from Heaven". ( This is for you Norma) xo
To my dearest family,
Some things I would like to say,
But first of all, to let you know
That I arrived ok.
Some things I would like to say,
But first of all, to let you know
That I arrived ok.
I’m writing this from Heaven
Where I dwell with God above,
here there’s no more tears or sadness
There is just eternal love.
Where I dwell with God above,
here there’s no more tears or sadness
There is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy
Just because I’m out of sight.
Remember that I’m with you
Every morning, noon, and night.
Just because I’m out of sight.
Remember that I’m with you
Every morning, noon, and night.
That day that I had to leave you
When my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
And He said, I welcome you.
When my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
And He said, I welcome you.
It’s good to have you back again
You were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest; family
They’ll be here later on.
You were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest; family
They’ll be here later on.
I need you here so badly
As part of my big plan.
There’s so much that we have to do
To help our mortal man.
As part of my big plan.
There’s so much that we have to do
To help our mortal man.
Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do.
And foremost on that list of mine
Is to watch and care for you.
He wished for me to do.
And foremost on that list of mine
Is to watch and care for you.
And I will be beside you
Every day and week and year.
And when you’re sad,
I’m standing there to wipe away the tears.
Every day and week and year.
And when you’re sad,
I’m standing there to wipe away the tears.
And when you lie in bed at night
The days chore put to flight
God and I are closest to you
In the middle of the night.
The days chore put to flight
God and I are closest to you
In the middle of the night.
” When you think of my life on earth
And all those loving years,
Because you’re only human
They’re bound to bring you tears
And all those loving years,
Because you’re only human
They’re bound to bring you tears
But do not be afraid to cry
It does relieve the pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers
Unless there was some rain.
It does relieve the pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers
Unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
Of all that God has planned,
But if I were to tell you,
You would not understand.
Of all that God has planned,
But if I were to tell you,
You would not understand.
And to my many friends trust,
God knows what it best.
I’m still not very far away from you
I’m just beyond the crest.
God knows what it best.
I’m still not very far away from you
I’m just beyond the crest.
And now I am contented that my life,
It was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made someone smile.
It was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made someone smile.
When you’re walking down the street
And you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps
Only half a step behind.
And you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps
Only half a step behind.
And when you feel that gentle breeze
Or the wind upon your face,
That’s me giving you a great big hug
Or just a soft embrace.
Or the wind upon your face,
That’s me giving you a great big hug
Or just a soft embrace.
And when it’s time for you to go
From that body to be free,
Remember, you’re not going,
You are coming here to me.
From that body to be free,
Remember, you’re not going,
You are coming here to me.
And I will always love you
from that land way up above.
I’ll be in touch again soon,
from that land way up above.
I’ll be in touch again soon,
P.S. GOD SENDS HIS LOVE!
Ruth Ann Mahaffey
Author of “Letter From Heaven”
© Copyright 1998-2001
Author of “Letter From Heaven”
© Copyright 1998-2001
Happy Birthday Dad. I hope you are celebrating 64 with style tonight. And thank you for being my father. I am so proud to have your blood running through my veins. These past couple of weeks I have learned even more about my family, of the people they are. I am blessed, truly blessed.
And I also want to thank each and every one of you who helped us get through this, who are still helping us get through this. Thank you.
Love, Raelene
