Times Like These

This week, a friend of mine lost his brother. He was only 38. He had a wife, two children and another child on the way. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all of them. I think about his wife and how her life changed instantly. I wonder how many times she will replay her last words to him. I think about his children, and how their father will live on in them....and how that will bring comfort and break the hearts of his family at the same time.

It is when tragedies like this happen, that I start to question myself. Am I living my best life?

I read something recently that really made me think. "You are who you are when no one is looking".  Kind of punches you in the face doesn't it? I like to think I am, most of the time. But there are those other times...those times when I can't even stand myself. And who gets to see this bitter, bitchy old nag who grumbles to herself and walks around in jammies til lunch, oh who am I kidding, til bedtime? My husband and my children. The most important people in my life.

I know we can't all be perfect and boy am I far from it, but this week I find myself wondering why the checkout girl at the Superstore got the best of me last Thursday. I was super cheery to her but I came home and did the old" huhhhhh" loud sigh as I opened the fridge and bitched about how there was no room in the fridge for all my food?? Really? I am complaining that I have too much food when there are people in the world that are starving to death! Or what about the countless times I give Mark the 3rd degree because I have to remind him..yet again...to pick up his darn clothes because they are driving me crazy , just sooooo crazy that there is NO way on God's green earth that I can go about my day if I have to look at those clothes on the bedroom floor. Really? And I can't count the number of times I look at my closet and say, ok, which shirt is going to make me look less fat? Oh wait ..there isn't one, so I'll just leave my jammies on and no one will ever know that I am overweight. Really? Is this the best of me? And why can't I leave the couch cushions on the floor just a little longer ? Porter loves to play in them, under them, on them..but I come in and ruin all the fun because the living room just looks sooooo messy when they are all over the place? Really!!!!??? And why am I saving all of Ruby's cute outfits for a special occasion. Today IS a special occasion. We're alive and healthy and we get one more day on this beautiful earth!

 Or what about those dark times, the ones I don't talk about very much. When I talk to God and ask him why He gave me a son with autism. Why did He choose me? Doesn't He know that it breaks my heart in a way I never knew existed before when I watch my son scream and grunt and I have no idea what he wants. Doesn't He know that I cry in the shower at least once a week wondering if my son will ever have a best friend? All the beautiful people in my life keep telling me how lucky he is that he has Mark and I for parents, but honestly, sometimes I don't believe them. At least once a week I feel like I am failing miserably at motherhood, the most important job I will ever have.

But then, at times like these, I check myself. I realize that I am beyond lucky for everyone and everything I have in my life. I have a husband who makes me laugh at least once a day and even though he lets the garbage overflow, I would simply be lost without him. I have the most amazing boy in the whole world. He can't tell me everything he wants to....yet...but his eyes tell me he has the most beautiful soul I have ever seen. And I just love how he gets to see the world in a way that most of us will never fully understand.  And I may not know everything there is to know about how to help him communicate, but I'm learning . And I have the sweetest, most precious little girl who smiles at me at 3 am and makes me forget that I am so bloody tired I can hardly open my eyes. She can yawn and the sound of her innocence can make absolutely everything else in the world disappear. 

And what about the rest of my family and friends? Can't beat em. They are the best of the best. They continue to amaze me at how selfless they are and they can't begin to know how much they mean to me. And although I'll be sad to go back to work in September, I'm going back to a job that I love, to work with people I love and children who inspire me on a daily basis. Yeah, I'm still more than 25 pounds away from my goal weight, but I'll get there...I should be so lucky just to have the opportunity to get there!

So today, in honor of my friend's brother,  I will do my best to let the cushions stay on the floor just a little longer. I will dress Ruby in something other than sleepers and maybe even get out of my jammies myself! I will try harder just to walk around Mark's pile of laundry, (or gasp, maybe even pick it up for him!) and mostly, I will do my best to give the ones I love ...the best of me. Because you just never know.